October in melody

Although I’m generally an optimist, I always have a feeling that I will die young. I have no idea why. I just think that I might not gonna live this life for a long period of time.

The moment I write this, it was night and I was in my hometown’s train station. I have an hour before a train that’ll take me to Jakarta arrive. The station was quite that I decided to open my book and read. It was because of this book, in which a memoir of a neurosurgeon that suffer from cancer that I kind of reminded of that old feeling. It could be me, and I might gonna die soon too.

Not to mention, the news about JT 610 plane crash that was broadcasted in all over the media recently. Death, seems gonna be a main topic that my mind going to dwell in some period of time now.

Now my brain is moving on to scan some questions about death. Will there gonna be a good time for death? What makes a good death? Will I really die before my parent? I wonder who’s going to cry (earnestly) in my funeral.

Of course, I don’t have any answer to these questions and not intend to find one. But I think it’s because of my initial assumption that partly fuel my courage to embrace whatever happened in my life. We might gonna die young so we need to make a better use of our time, seize the moment, and enjoy whatever emotion comes with it.

And afterall, all worries might gonna be meaningless in the end. If we see from death perspective, it might say that worry doesn’t make a good use of our time so we better move on.

I like to think of death as a reminder for the only certainty in my live. No matter how great or how miserable your life, there’s gonna be the end of it when your suffering or your pleasure doesn’t really matter anymore. But at the same time, it doesn’t mean that our lives have no meaning.

Coming from a religious family, I believe that how we behave in this world will define our next eternal life so we might gonna strive to live well. And even though you don’t believe in eternal life, you might gonna live well as well as this is your only chance of living.

Coming back to my initial assumption. I might, or might not die young. But so do you. We have equal chance and life provide us with the same level of uncertainty. So whenever I’m feeling down I might gonna need to remind myself “my dead self might not be proud of herself if I give up now”. And so we better strive to live on.