2022

I posted my second Instagram story in 2023 just a couple of days ago. I’ve been intentionally posting less on my social media accounts gradually, perhaps since 2018. It was merely an experiment I did for my book back then. But I found myself more and more comfortable with not sharing my personal life publicly. And now I become accustomed to it.

It’s not intentional, though, that I publish less on my blog. I always consider this blog as my virtual home. So, not posting here as often, left me with a profound hollowness deep down in my soul. Thankfully, I’m still doing my daily journal. That keeps me in tune with myself and helps me not to feel completely lost.

So, in this rare opportunity where I found myself feeling mentally ready to have more public virtual presence, let me do a redemption by paying my debt of posting an oh-so-late annual review through this post.

2022 Retrospect

1. Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it
That was an excerpt of a quote by Kierkegaard, which resonated with me, especially in 2022, a year when I decided to settle and get married. It was something shocking, even for me, someone who’s skeptical about marriage. But I do have my own reasons, and as what Kierkegaard mentioned, marry or not, you’ll regret either way. So, why not give it a shot?

Thing is, I never really give much thoughts about wedding. So, the ceremony was all formality for me. We rented a simple decoration, I even DIY my own “seserahan” package. We only held a small ceremony in my parent’s residence and invited immediate family and neighbors. We (even my parents) didn’t send any invitations (virtual or physical ones). I didn’t even post it on my social media. It was done simply, just like that.

I may make it sound like marriage is not a big deal for me. Something that I realized now, marriage is actually a more difficult choice to make than living a single life intentionally (which what I’ve been preparing myself for my whole life). It was, of course, a significant thing for me. However, I do feel like I’m in a relatively fortunate position to make a wise decision in this case. I don’t have to do it to get financial security, or to satisfy societal expectations. In the end, we can also manage our family expectations, so we don’t need to splurge money on the wedding. And as a skeptical person, of course, I also think of the possibility of failure. And I know completely when I decided to do it, even if I fail in the end, I know I always have my family and friends as my safety net. And I know, I’ll be completely fine on my own anyway if anything going south. Those are some of the things that perhaps make me more comfortable taking this option. And I believe, not everyone has the liberty to make a choice or think like me, so the stakes are different for each of us. So don’t forget to take the quote with a grain of salt. (;

2. The danger of attaching ourselves to our achievements
I just read the first edition of “The Choices We Make”, a newsletter by kak Alanda Kariza. That reminded me of a bewildered feeling from my last podcast interview. The interviewer, who’s a friend of mine, didn’t seem to believe that I don’t have any side projects which I’m doing at the moment, even if I told him that I was just trying to adjust to marriage life and my new pregnancy (I may talk more about this next time). It was wild to see how we, as individuals, attached our identity so much to what we do or what we achieved. No offense to my friend, but it was even wilder that as women, the work of caring for a baby (even if it’s still inside your womb) doesn’t even regard as a significant part of what we do. I’m not at the same level as Kak Alanda, for sure, but I was familiar with the feeling that Kak Alanda described in her newsletter. The fear that our best life/achievement was already behind. But I got past that feeling, and I already learned to be more careful to attach my identity to a certain label or any symbolic achievement way before I got questioned in that interview. It was not an easy process, though, but I believe it is crucial to recognize that for everybody who is quite ambitious.

3. Acceptance is liberating

“The fact that life has no meaning is a reason to live –moreover, the only one.” - Emil Cioran

Afutami summarized my feelings perfectly in this tweet. It’s a feeling that I’ve been feeling since 2020. Last year, though, there were more nuances that supported that feeling even more. I feel like in the span of the last 3 years (basically, since the pandemic), I’ve come to finally experience more colors of life that I hadn’t seen/felt before. Before the pandemic, I was mostly exposed to bright colors, but now that I’ve seen the dark ones more often, it convinces me more that I’ve seen enough of life and I won’t regret getting cut out of it now. It doesn’t mean, though, that I want to deliberately end my life now. I’m still very much thrilled to experience a new feeling of being a mother. But it doesn’t neglect the fact that I feel “enough” regardless. And feeling enough is the most liberating feeling ever.

Now, let’s get into what’s next for me in 2023.

What’s priority in 2023

1. Caring
As I mentioned briefly before that I’m currently expecting, naturally in 2023, learning to be a better caretaker is my top priority now. Not only to care for my own child, but generally for other people. Caring for other people is a whole different business than caring for ourselves. And for the most part of my life, I’ve always been self-centered as a person (not that I think it’s a bad thing). So, I know I need to train my caring muscle and focus it for a different purpose this time.

2. Sanity
Since I need to care more for other people this year, I know that I need a strong grounding. Keeping myself happy and sane will still be a priority for me this year, just like in 2022. So far, I’ve been trying to be more apt to new experiences that I considered luxurious in the past. Recently, I splurged money on a VIP concert ticket to watch a live performance of a Norwegian artist that I adore, Aurora. It turned out to be an experience that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I’ll be careful not to reply too much on materialistic or hedonistic experience, though. Because otherwise, this can be a slippery slope for me.

3. Connection
This was another carry over from 2022 that I wasn’t able to do as much. I don’t know how it’s going to look like, since I tend to prefer real life interaction than virtual connection. And I know it’ll be difficult to do that this year with the baby and all that, so let’s just see how it’ll manifest.

4. Safety
I’m talking about financial safety in this case. I certainly feel the effect of inflation these days. And I believe 2023 is going to be a wild ride for the global economy, and I want to be prepared for the bumps. Also, with a child underway, I started thinking about saving for education and stuff, which, obviously, will cost a fortune.

5. Having fun
I’ve been thinking about writing another book on a new topic these days. This time, though, I’d like to treat the idea as an opportunity to have fun in another way. The first time I wrote a book, it was more like doing a series of experiments. The second one (which I haven’t really published publicly) was more like a drag, though. It was so traumatic, to the point that I feel a sense of guilt every time people ask me when I will publish my next book. So, this time around, I want to start differently. Hopefully, with this shift in perspective, I will be able to accomplish more.

Clap, clap! I’ve made it to the end of it, which already a milestone in itself. Hopefully, this won’t be my only post in 2023. So, see you on the next one!