It’s kinda weird. That was one afternoon, after a long talk with some good friends that I realized. I become my truest self whenever I’m travelling alone in the station/airport. And it’s one of a few places that I usually write most of my genuine writing. Just like this one.
Sometimes, we said things not because it’s true but because we want other people to know that about ourselves. We create a persona that we want to believe in.
But coming back to myself through silence amidst the crowd, struck me with the fact that I have no idea of how to live this life just like everyone else. Neither did I know what exactly I want in this life. Sometimes I said things that I’m not sure of. That I myself never think through it before. Or I said things that prevent me from looking miserable. And I somehow afraid of, peeling my own skin in front of other people.
Looking out from my window seat on the train, I rolled my memory back. Don’t you think that you’re being too harsh on yourself? It perhaps is not a coinsidence that I never gain more than 45 kilos. I brought too much burden on my shoulder. I’m relying too much on my lovely soul. I’m counting too much on my intuition. I’m blindly protecting and keeping my heart at a distant safe place. And this one question suddenly popped up.
Is it wrong to love my own self? When that precious thing that you protect, eventually goes back to hurt you at some points.
And just very slowly, one after one flash back, reflected on the train’s window. Whenever there’s an opportunity to share my burden, I always choose to rely on myself. I’m so get used of independence until I forget that I made myself weary.
And when you’re counting too much on one self, you know exactly who to blame when everything goes wrong. And that seems not the fair way to love a person.
But to think about it, we’re all living this life for the first time. It’s so natural to not understand ourselves. Or to make wrong choices. Or to take a wrong turn. Or to feel lost in between.
And perhaps, it’s not a matter of wrong or right. It’s about the balance that might be easier to being said than done. Lost, ached, hurt, wept, we’ve all done that. The most important thing is not to dramatized it. You’ve got to have a deadline for your sorrow and get over it.
And remember not to run away from your feeling. And to not be afraid of weaknesses and grief. You don’t need to stay strong all the time. Because loving one self is knowing when to cry out for help.