And she was started to weep. She kneeled at me and she was started to weep. I was playing it cool at the beginning. But then I can feel my feelings threaten my ego and so the ego started to defend itself. “You’re a strong girl. You know how to handle this” the ego begins. And then the feelings said in return, “It’s okay. You know it’s fine to let yourself out and be vurnerable sometimes.” Then the ego keep on insisting “You know, you will look pathetic and sad if you ever let it runs off your eyes.” The feelings don’t wanna lose the argument and said “No, it’s not a feeling of sadness. It’s a feeling of love. You see, your beloved sister is crying over there. And it’s not about you, it’s about her.” Then the wall of the ego was cracked eventually. And I can feel the edge of my eyes started to damp. I cried too.
But no, it was not because I feel that I lose out from her. It was instead, a pure feeling of love. You know, the feelings when you see someone you love cried, and without knowing you feel that your heart were hurt too. In fact, I felt sorry for her to feel the guilt. And I realize I was never felt this close to her before. But now I can feel her sorry, worry, and fear mixed into one. Suddenly it feels like I can read somebody’s mind.
She asked for my blessing in which I reply with pray. I know she’ll be in a good hand so I trust them to sail the boat. And to be completely honest, I have no hard feelings against her. I don’t wanna let cultural norm define my happiness. I always wanted to shape it my own way.
But of course, there will be the society. It might be easy to make peace with yourself but it’s a whole different story when the external judgement arises. But I realize, I care about her more than the society. So I think I can endure the social judgement that will shower me after this. And no, I will never gonna judge myself for not being able to keep the sequence. Life itself was never be a race. Let alone marriage.
So we hugged. And her warm reminds me that all of this was about me letting her go as an adult. I feel like it was just yesterday that we fought for our parent’s attention. But now that she’ll begin her own journey, I imagined she must be terriefied more than I am. I need to be bigger. So I caress her back and whisper some more words that might soothe her sob.
And I kissed her cheek. I know she’ll be just fine. She’s a big girl. We count on each other a few years back in university.
And I wiped her tears. I want to convince her that she can count on me on the remaining pieces. She’ll have another compass from now on. I might never been married, but I know it’ll be a whole different kind of world that she’s going to experience.
Family is a school of love. We learn how to love and being loved by each other under the same roof. She particularly teach me how to deal with jealousy and preserving love as we aged. We used to fight a lot when we were younger. But growing up, we realize that it was just a piece of memory that glue us together. And now that she’s graduating, I can only wish that she’ll be able to apply the learning that we learned together all this time.